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Humor in anything you do is good. Um,

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for me anyway, I know there are many

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writers who write without humor. For me,

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humor, whether it's broad or whether

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it's subtle, is always vital.

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Um, sometimes it can be very dry.

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Sometimes it can be overt.

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Whatever you're writing, you want some

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humor because humor is recognition.

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Humor is that moment where you see

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something that you've always thought,

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but now somebody has articulated it. And

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they've articulated in a way that you've

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never seen before. And sometimes it's

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just the joy of the unexpected.

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This is a book that is all humor. It's

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called Fortunately the Milk. It's a

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children's book and uh it is about a

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father who sets off to buy milk for his

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children's breakfast

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and uh

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finds himself kidnapped by aliens. and

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fleeing the aliens

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finds himself captured

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by pirates.

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"Who be ye land lover?" said the woman,

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who had a big hat on her head and a

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parrot on her shoulder. "He's a spy, a

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walrus in a coat, a new kind of mermaid

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with legs," said the men. "What are you

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doing here?" asked the woman. Well, I

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said, I just set out to the corner shop

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for some milk for my children's

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breakfast and for my tea, and the next

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thing I knew, he's lying, your majesty.

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She pulled out her cutlass. You dare lie

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to the queen of the pirates?

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Fortunately, I had kept tight hold of

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the milk, and now I pointed to it. "If I

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did not go to the corner shop to fetch

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the milk," I asked them, "Then where did

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this milk come from?" At this the

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pirates were completely speechless. Now,

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I said, if you could let me off

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somewhere near to my destination, I

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would be much obliged to you. Then where

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would that happen to be? Said the queen

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of the pirates. On the corner of

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Marshall Road and Fletcher Lane, I said,

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my children are waiting there for their

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breakfast. You're on a pirate ship now,

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we find Bucko, said the pirate queen.

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And you don't get dropped off anywhere.

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There are only two choices. You can join

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my pirate crew or refuse to join, and we

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will slit your cowardly throat, and

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you'll go to the bottom of the sea,

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where you will feed the fishes. What

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about walking the plank? I asked. Never

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heard of it, said the pirates. Walking

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the plank? I said. It's what proper

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pirates do. Look, I'll show you. Do you

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have a plank anywhere? It took some

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looking, but we found a plank, and I

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showed the pirates where to put it. We

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discussed nailing it down, but the

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pirate queen decided it was safer just

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to have the two fattest pirates sit on

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the end of it. "Why exactly do you want

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to walk the plank?" asked the pirate

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queen. I edged out onto the plank. The

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blue Caribbean water splashed gently

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beneath me. Well, I said, "I've seen

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lots of stories with pirates in them,

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and it seems to me that if I'm going to

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be rescued at this, the pirates started

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to laugh so hard their stomachs wobbled,

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and the parrot took off into the air in

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amazement. Rescue?" They said, "There's

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no rescue out here. We're in the middle

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of the sea." Nevertheless, I told them,

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if you are going to be rescued, it will

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always be while walking the plank, which

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we don't do, said the pirate queen.

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Here, have a Spanish deloon and come and

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join us in our paratical adventures.

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It's the 18th century, she added. And

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there's always room for a bright,

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enthusiastic pirate. I caught the

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deloon. I almost wish that I could, I

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told her. But I have children, and they

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need their breakfast. Then you must die.

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Walk the plank. I aged out to the end of

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the plank. Sharks were circling. So were

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piranhas.

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Unfortunately, the milk is a bit odd

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because it has a father narrating. The

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actual book is narrated by his son. So,

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and this was where I interrupted my dad

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for the first time. Hang on. I said,

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piranhas are a freshwater fish. What

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were they doing in the sea?

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You're right, said my father. The

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piranhas were later, right? So, I was

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out at the end of the plank, facing

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certain death when a rope ladder hit my

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shoulder, and a deep booming voice

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shouted, "Quickly, climb up the rope

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ladder." I needed no more encouragement

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than this, and I grabbed the rope ladder

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with both hands. Fortunately, the milk

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was pushed deep into the pocket of my

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coat. The pirates hurled insults at me

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and even discharged pistols, but neither

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insults nor pistol shot found their

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targets, and I soon made it to the top

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of the rope ladder. I'd never been in

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the basket of a hot air balloon before.

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It was very peaceful up there. The

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person in the balloon basket said, "I

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hope you don't mind me helping, but it

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looked like you were having problems

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down there." I said,

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"You're a Stegosaurus."

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One of the fun things about a scene like

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that is you are taking a scene that

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everybody is kind of familiar with

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and then you're just twisting it 45°

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offkilter.

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So,

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we have a pirate ship

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and you get to go, "What are the

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cliches? How can I make fun of the

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cliches? How can I enjoy the cliches?" I

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love the idea that the first thing that

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anybody does if they're about to be

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killed on a pirate ship is demand the

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plank because of course you get rescued

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walking the plank. We've all seen that.

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So, one thing that's really fun is just

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take a cliche.

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Take a scene that you have seen a

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thousand times and it can be from

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whatever kind of fiction you like.

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It can be

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um you know, if you like people with

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guns, it can be two people facing off

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with guns. If you like fiction with

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swords, it can be swords. If you like

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fiction with dragons, it can be somebody

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against a dragon. Um, if you like doctor

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nurse romances, it can be a doctor and a

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nurse and another nurse and they're

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glaring at each other because one thinks

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that the other one has slept with the

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other one. The other one knows that they

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haven't and they're a messy and you do

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the thing

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the cliched way. Do the way that you

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have seen it a hundred times. And now if

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you're going to mine it for humor, you

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just turn it and you tilt it. And some

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of that is just going to be word choice.

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Some of that is going to be attitude.

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And a lot of it is going to be surprise.

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Because the lovely thing about laughter

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um is it's the release of tension. You

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are building up to something funny and

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then you're letting it go. you're

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building up to something tense and then

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you're deflating it with laughter. So

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see how you can do that with something

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very familiar and something very cliched

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and then have one of the characters just

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be a little bit more matterof fact than

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they ought to be. Have one of the

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characters know a little bit more about

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this kind of fiction than they ought to.

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have one of the characters be much more

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concerned

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about whether they left the kettle on at

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home um or that the kids need to be

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picked up from school than they are

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about the dragon or the gun and just see

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what happens. Um that way it's an easy

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way to start building humor but really

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lovely way just to go in and find what's

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funny in a scene.

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certain words are going to have humor.

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In in the sequence that I read from

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Neverear,

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uh describing risip as being heavier

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than four fops, each of those fops

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carrying a large suitcase filled

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entirely with lard. Um the use and

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deployment of the word lard is just it's

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just the right word to deploy in the

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right way and it gives you this

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wonderfully funny image in your head of

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four tall thin people each hauling a

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suitcase around which by its very nature

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is funny. Um so you can go you you know

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use funny words

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deploy them play around. One of the

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things that that standup comedians and

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people who write humor find fascinating

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is where in the sentence your word comes

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can actually mean the difference between

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funny or not funny. Ending with the with

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the funny

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is always important.

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Um you know four lard filled suitcases

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as opposed to four suitcases filled

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entirely with lard. The lad being the

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funny word comes at the end.

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When Terry Pratchett and I were working

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on Good Omens, um, we needed shorthand

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ways to communicate

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with each other. And what I loved about

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talking with Terry

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was that he would come up with terms for

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things that there were not terms for

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in ways to write comedy.

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Um, one of those was a fig. Uh a fig was

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a term that he had started using in

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Discworld

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where a fig

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initially uh you think it's something

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terrible that you know like a body part

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possibly a testicle or something where

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your figginins are going to be you know

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cut off or thrown to the winds and later

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you discover a fig in is a small

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raisinfilled

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um like an Eckles cake. It's it's a

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little sort of um pastry.

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And

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he used to use that as just a a a fig

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being a little joke that becomes a

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running joke.

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Um but a running joke that then will pay

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off in some way toward the end. And they

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were distinguished from something that

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we built in um in Good Omens which Terry

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called sherbet lemons. And he called

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them sherbet lemons because there is a

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moment in the text where Adam,

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the 11-year-old antichrist,

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has been um fallen asleep eating sherbet

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lemons.

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and he is determined to get rid of

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nuclear power because he's read

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magazines saying this is a very bad

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thing. And the next thing that happens

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is a nuclear power station discovers

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their reactor has gone missing, but

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mysteriously is still putting out uh

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they're still putting out a full load of

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power. They just don't know where

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they're getting it from. And when they

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go and inspect the enormous room where

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the power where the reactor used to be,

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uh, the only thing they find is a

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sherbet lemon.

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And

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so Terry would start using sherbet

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lemons to mean just little things that

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you'd throw in to the text

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to make someone smile. They'd just be a

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little little nice little moment of of

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humor. It's a small thing that you throw

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in as opposed to a fig in.

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And the fig in would be something that

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you would think was just a sherbet

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lemon. But then it would pay off and it

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would have a shape and a payoff toward

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the end and it would appear. You'd sneak

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it in under the radar. People would

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think, "Ah, this is just a sherbet

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lemon." But actually, it'll be a thing.

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Terry loved having these terms for

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00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,800
things. Um, another one of Terry's terms

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00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:40,959
was cigarettes. And uh, he would talk

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about the end of a book

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as being built of cigarettes. And by

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cigarettes, what he meant was the

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moments in a 1960s cop show, 1960s

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American cop shows in particular, where

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everyone will be sitting around having a

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cigarette because they used to smoke on

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television in those days. And uh

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they'd say, "So what really happened to

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the widow Bloom and Tal anyway?" And

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someone would say, "Ah, well, this would

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happen." And then you you'd cut in on

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all of the characters. They'd all be

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having their little cigarettes and and

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you get a way of saying goodbye to them.

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So Terry would always love the idea that

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at the end of the novel, after a novel

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was done, you needed to have your

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cigarettes. you needed to just stop in

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on each character, explain anything from

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the plot that had not been explained so

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far, wrap everything up, and say your

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goodbyes. And the problem with that

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actually I discovered years later was

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the nice thing about the cigarettes on a

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00:13:48,639 --> 00:13:51,680
1970s American cop show is they are

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literally the time between the end of

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00:13:54,079 --> 00:13:56,160
the episode and the final commercial

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break. So you have your commercials and

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then you have your titles and in between

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they liked to have this little bit that

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they would squeeze in where nothing

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really would happen and it lasted maybe

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00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,480
a you know maximum of 3 minutes long was

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00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:14,079
this tiny little thing. Um and of course

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00:14:14,079 --> 00:14:17,040
once you put them into a book and then

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00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,600
try and turn that book into television

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your last half hour consists of people

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saying goodbye to each other after the

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00:14:24,639 --> 00:14:27,360
plot is finished. So, when I was doing

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00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:30,320
uh Good Omens as a television series, I

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00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,320
actually wound up having to reconfigure

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00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,600
the entire plot for the last episode and

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00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,279
come up while keeping the original plot

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00:14:37,279 --> 00:14:39,519
that Terry and I came up with, I came up

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00:14:39,519 --> 00:14:43,839
with a new plot. And um

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one that keeps ticking until the final

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second because I really didn't want a

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plot that finished halfway through and

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00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,519
then people just said goodbye to each

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other.

335
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,920
Well, something that that is definitely

336
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,880
just a sherbet lemon in that it is there

337
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:10,240
it is a running gag. It shows up several

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00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,760
times. Um but it's just there to be fun.

339
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,959
It doesn't have any kind of payoff. um

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00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:22,639
would be this is an Nancy boys and uh

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00:15:22,639 --> 00:15:26,040
was the lime

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00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:32,160
and uh the idea being that um

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00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:37,680
Fat Charlie, who is the hero of um the

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00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,680
novel, has arrived on a little

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island

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called St. Andrews.

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Here we go. He's taking a taxi ride.

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He learned there was no reason ever to

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leave St. Andrews. The taxi driver

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00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,759
himself had seen no reason ever to leave

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00:15:55,759 --> 00:15:57,440
St. Andrews, and he had given it much

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00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,680
thought. The island had a cave and a

353
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,920
mountain and a rainforest. Hotels, it

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00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,320
had 20. Restaurants, several dozen. It

355
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,160
contained a city, three towns, and a

356
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,399
scattering of villages. Food, everything

357
00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:11,279
grew here. Oranges, bananas, nutmegs. It

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00:16:11,279 --> 00:16:15,120
even the taxi driver said had limes.

359
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:18,320
Fat Charlie said no at this mostly in

360
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,160
order to feel like he was taking part in

361
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,920
the conversation, but the driver

362
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:23,600
appeared to take it as a challenge to

363
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his honesty. He slammed on the taxis

364
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,480
brakes, sending the car sooing over to

365
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,079
the side of the road, got out of the

366
00:16:30,079 --> 00:16:31,680
car, reached over a fence, pulled

367
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:33,440
something from a tree, and walked back

368
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,519
to the car. Look at this, he said.

369
00:16:35,519 --> 00:16:37,600
Nobody ever tell you that I was a liar.

370
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:41,759
What it is? a line said Fat Charlie.

371
00:16:41,759 --> 00:16:43,680
Exactly.

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00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,560
Which means that by the time we get to

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00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,480
uh

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page 12 uh chapter 12,

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00:16:51,519 --> 00:16:54,560
several chapters later,

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00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:58,560
Fat Charlie gets to rent a bicycle.

377
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,040
And uh there were information conduits

378
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,199
on St. Andrews that fat Charlie, who on

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00:17:03,199 --> 00:17:05,039
some level believed that coconut palms

380
00:17:05,039 --> 00:17:06,640
and cellular telephones ought to be

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00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,280
mutually exclusive, had not expected. It

382
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,880
did not seem to make any difference who

383
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,439
he talked to. Old men playing drafts in

384
00:17:13,439 --> 00:17:15,360
the shade. Women with breasts like

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00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,439
watermelons and buttocks like armchairs

386
00:17:17,439 --> 00:17:19,600
and laughter like mocking birds. A

387
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,199
sensible young lady in the tourist

388
00:17:21,199 --> 00:17:23,360
office. A bearded raster with a green,

389
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,120
red, and yellow knit cap and what

390
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,959
appeared to be a woolen miniskirt. They

391
00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:29,440
all had the same response. You're the

392
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,799
one with the lime, I suppose. So, show

393
00:17:32,799 --> 00:17:36,960
us your lime. It's back at the hotel.

394
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,320
Look, I'm trying to find Callianne

395
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,320
Higgler. She's about 60 American. Big

396
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,720
mug of coffee in her hand. Never heard

397
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,400
of her. And uh

398
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:51,120
once Fat Charlie gets back to his room,

399
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,360
Benjamin the concierge examined the bike

400
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,039
and told Fat Charlie not to worry.

401
00:17:55,039 --> 00:17:56,720
They'd have it all fixed and good as new

402
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,360
by tomorrow. Fat Charlie went back to

403
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,840
his hotel room, the color of underwater,

404
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,200
where his lime sat like a small green

405
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,919
Buddha on the countertop.

406
00:18:07,919 --> 00:18:10,640
"You're no help," he told the lime.

407
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,919
"This was unfair. It was only a lime.

408
00:18:13,919 --> 00:18:15,520
There was nothing special about it at

409
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:20,679
all. It was doing the best it could.